Although he is one of my closest friends, I took some time to tell my Favorite Man Friend about the disintegration of my marriage. A former classmate that for years has been one of the first people I turn to for career advice, I realized after this conversation that he would also be my go-to-guy for suggestions on coping with and understanding my soon to be single life.

Our initial conversation of the collapse of my marriage commenced as follows:

Me: So I probably should set some time aside to fill you in on what has been going on in my life.

FMF: Sounds deep. Should I brace myself?

Me: I left my husband over a month ago, after uncovering yet another lie.

FMF: Must have been a big one?

Me: This one definitely trumps the others.

FMF: Bracing myself.

Me: He never graduated from college. Stole my diploma, scratched off my name and had it reprinted with his information. Saying it out loud makes it sound like a bad made-for-T.V. movie, but it’s real. It’s my life.

FMF: Why?

Me: Why what? Why did he do it?

FMF: Si?

Me: Beyond the fact that he apparently lacks a sense of morality and ethics, years ago I told him I wasn’t interested in marrying someone who didn’t want to and or wasn’t willing to finish undergrad. So he faked it and created a means of having his cake and eating it too.  

FMF: Now even worse than the college, are the years of lies…

Me: Yep. So I got that going for me, which is nice. I suppose you should welcome me to single life.

FMF: So are you ok?

Me: Most days.

FMF:  Well, better now than after your stock options vest. All joking aside…that sucks. You have made up your mind for sure then? Knowing you, you have probably analyzed ever angle of this 6 ways from Sunday.

Me: Every second of every minute since I left. I am definitely still a work in progress, but since he committed fraud on multiple occasions am looking to have our marriage annulled.

FMF: Wow.

Me: So technically I will be an annulee, not a divorcee.

FMF: You are clever woman. Note to self: don’t fuck with clever women. Want to know the bright side?

Me: I love bright sides.

FMF: In every relationship there is a ‘Reacher’ and a ‘Settler.’ In this relationship you have been the Settler, but the good news is that you now have the opportunity to become the Reacher.

Me: Explain?

FMF: Reacher: someone who is dating out of his or her league. Settler: one who could do better but settles for his or her current partner. I suppose you should know there is a 3rd classification…but it’s rare.

Me: And what is #3.

FMF: The Coconspirator, an elusive and extremely rare breed whose goals and ambition are only rivaled by those of another of the same class. With the Coconspirator to conquer is to love and to love is to conquer.

Me: Sounds dangerous.

FMF: It is extremely dangerous, but only to those who are considered to be obstacles in the pair’s path. Ultimately it comes down to this… some lead, some follow, some conquer.

My Favorite Man Friend is the first person I turn to for suggestions on coping with and understanding the surprises of single life. A former classmate who was never one to mince words, my FMF is like my man version of Dear Abby (my Mabby for short).  

A recent conversation of ours commenced as follows:

Me: “Went skiing this weekend with a great guy. About an hour and a half into the drive he says, ‘it is really nice to be able to have such an intelligent conversation with someone.’ What does that even mean? How does one have an unintelligent conversation?”

FMF: “You know what it means. I’ve seen you struggle to pull nuggets out of those less fortunate.”
Me: “Damn.”

FMF:  “Tell me you’ve NEVER dated someone that when they asked your opinion you wouldn’t just give a 3rd grade response to move the conversation along because you knew that they wouldn’t understand or be secure enough to hear what you really thought?”

Me: “You are right. Even worse, sometimes it takes a while to realize that people aren’t as smart as I think, especially if they follow the better-to-keep-your-mouth-shut-and-be-thought-a-fool-than-to-open-it-and-remove-all-doubt philosophy.”

FMF: “Clever idiots…the worst kind.”

Me: “I often think they are the strong silent type.”

FMF: “Add charisma and poof… woman’s worst nightmare.”

Me: “I once dated a guy for 6 months before I realized he was a total idiot, which in turn makes me the bigger idiot.  Add charisma and make them fun and outgoing and good looking and I am done. If only my intelli-radar was as good as my gay-dar.”

FMF: “Don’t be too hard on yourself; most intelligent women are suckers for the eye candy. Take solace that you are not alone.”

Me: “According to my sister one of my biggest weaknesses is that I fall in love with people for who they can be, not for who they are.  So based on this conversation have two things to learn: 1. how to accurately assess intelligence 2. How to differentiate between what is and what could be.”

FMF: “As far as #1, I think that giving everyone the benefit of the doubt is admirable. In regard to #2, I think your sister knows you possibly better than anyone else on earth. You should listen, but remember diamonds come from coal. Not to say that most of the times coal is just coal.”

Have you ever had that kind of friend? The one where when you’re together, you become so engrossed in conversation that it’s inevitable at some point both of you will realize that you have no idea where you are, how you got there or where you parked your car?

Welcome to my life with my Favorite Man Friend.

My FMF is a former classmate. We have been entertaining each other and sharing advice on work and life for years, in fact, he’s the first person I turn to for suggestion on coping with and understanding the surprises of single life.

A recent conversation of ours commenced as follows:

Me: “Dating advice? Since I will be on the market soon…”

FMF: “Putting the cart before the horse aren’t we?”

Me: “Not really, but it is kind of funny. So this is my question today…Since I will be on the market soon, do you think it is too forward to say ‘I am an MBA looking for a long term commitment in a short period of time, so we can get married and have lots of sex and babies?’”

FMF: “No, actually sounds good when you put it that way. You are a master wordsmith.”

Me: “I have a feeling something like that may come out if I am out and about and have a little too much to drink.”

FMF: “Eh, if it happens it happens. So let’s review, you are intelligent, motivated, have a good career, are active and fun (i.e. have been known to party).”

Me: “I love the i.e., but can we add the word “allegedly?”

FMF: “No. But if you add the promise of ‘lots of sex’ you will have just hooked 99.5% of single, sane, and quality men.”

Me: “Thanks. Hopefully they will also be good looking?”

FMF: “Of course. That was obviously implied. But, if I were you, I’d be more concerned with finding someone who could stimulate my mind. Any idiot, well most idiots, can stimulate a body…”

Me: “You just wrote that…on purpose!?!”

FMF: “I am just saying…you’ll definitely have your share of options.”

Me: “Thanks. I hope these ‘options’ are easy to find. But hey, if that doesn’t work…is it okay to just tell people I am a flight attendant?”